When a film is written, directed, produced by, and starring a single person, it normally means one of two things. Either a singular vision is executed with painstakingly deliberate creative control because it’s the only way such a project could exist in its purest form, like Shane Carruth’s Primer. Or, more frequently and unfortunately, it pushes us into Tommy Wiseau and James Nguyen territory, with films like 2003’s The Room and 2010’s Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
While Nguyen and Wiseau’s disaster pieces are celebrated through midnight screenings, we owe it to ourselves to include John De Hart, the man behind 1993’s Champagne and Bullets, because he essentially laid out the blueprint for the modern vanity project. This is the kind of movie created by somebody who clearly knows nothing about storytelling, acting, film production, sound design, or when to cut away from extended, deeply awkward sex scenes, but feels compelled to make a movie anyway.
In other words, John De Hart walked so James Nguyen and Tommy Wiseau could run. The films mentioned above are all glorious examples of people trying their best and accidentally creating some of the most memorable cinematic punishers available on streaming. I’d mention Neil Breen here too, but I still don’t know if he’s in on the joke or simply happy to be part of it. What I do know for certain is that Champagne and Bullets, also known as Road to Revenge and GetEven, was created without a hint of irony, which is a beautiful thing.
I can’t in good conscience say that Champagne and Bullets comes anywhere close to being a good movie, but I’m very glad it exists for reasons I’m about to get into.
You Can Take The Title Literally
Champagne and Bullets never fails to live up to its name because it features a lot of champagne and a lot of bullets. John De Hart stars as Rick Bode, with Wings Hauser as Huck. Both men were kicked off the police force by their corrupt boss, Normad (William Smith), and the resulting fallout plays out over the film’s runtime. Rick takes the high road and attempts to move on with his life, working as a limo driver. Huck, meanwhile, lives at the bottom of a liquor bottle, unable to cope with his wife’s mysterious death or his diminishing employment prospects.
Known to “speak in Hamlet” and belt out country ballads whenever the opportunity arises, Rick’s carefree demeanor draws the attention of Cindy (Pamela Bryant), a young woman on the run from a troubled past involving a satanic cult. As their romance develops, Huck’s life continues to spiral. The real conflict arrives when Cindy reveals the darkness she’s trying to escape, which becomes deeply personal once Rick learns that Normad is actually the cult leader responsible for terrorizing her.
Along the way, Rick and Cindy make love and drink champagne, and the bullets, of which there are plenty, arrive in full force by the time the film stumbles into its third-act climax.
It’s So Odd That I Can’t Even …
If the exact same storyboard for Champagne and Bullets had been handed to a more competent filmmaker, it might have resulted in a passable dark comedy. The complete lack of irony here, though, turns it into an endlessly entertaining watch for all the wrong reasons.
When Rick recites passages from Hamlet, the edits are obvious because De Hart clearly couldn’t get through the lines in a single take. Every sex scene is awkward, overly long, and at one point involves the sensual application of ice cubes to bare skin. De Hart, who has the opportunity to convey the full spectrum of human emotion depending on the scene, remains bafflingly straight-faced throughout, as if this is his first day on Earth and he decided to make a romantic action movie about cults, corruption, champagne, and copulation.
Normad, the central villain in Champagne and Bullets, is the worst kind of composite character, largely because there’s no believable way a single antagonist could wield this much influence over the entire in-universe that’s been established. All of these elements combine to create one of the most disjointed, awkward, and unintentionally hilarious attempts at filmmaking that any movie lover can appreciate.
I’m not usually a fan of the “so bad it’s good” label, but Champagne and Bullets fits it perfectly. The sincerity that comes with a vanity project like this is impossible to fake, and I’m glad it exists because there’s something inherently inspiring about watching someone punch far above their weight class to tell their story, no matter how misguided the end result may be.
To witness the violence, the romance, the champagne, and the bullets for yourself, you can stream Champagne and Bullets for free on Tubi as of this writing.
Robert Scucci